Wrath Paine in: The Inside Scoop® SLelections 2007 Updates

(See also: Official SLelections 2007 Website)


Shocked, we say! Scandalous! And just what we here at The Inside Scoop® need for improving our ratings.

Many of you are waking up this morning, already hearing the reports about two former gubernatorial candidates dropping out of the SLelections 2007 Governor's race overnight, and we're here to tell ya, those reports are right.

We at The Inside Scoop® would like to hereby go on record as being the first news source to officially suspect the current Linden Administration coercion tactics as the true source behind this sudden lack of challengers as we head towards SLelections 2007. While we might not go so far as to name Governor Phillip Linden by name, you can pretty much guess who we're referring to. Although we still have our suspicions about the too-good-to-be-true candidate whose name we will not reveal at this time, only to say their initials are both vowels. (We're watching you, candidate ##!)

Our proof? Well, unconfirmed reports were that the Guvn'r himself was in-world last night to take care of the matter of possible contenders personally. While we have not been provided with actual filmed footage of his presence on the grid, the suspected usual cover-up techniques did seem to coincide with the recent influence of candidate participation. That's right - evidence of cloaking was provided to our offices. As long been reported, whenever the current administration decides to take action himself, all search sytems go offline so as to disguise his online status, and bodyguards carefully shut down strategic key teleport locations along Governor Phil's parade route as he goes about his swift order of business. Employees of The Inside Scoop® can all bear witness to the restricted teleport abilities, as well as having their Search functions erased and replaced with the generic profile information.















So, after last night's debacle, which candidates are longer in the race?

You may recall the glowing review given by The Inside Scoop® for the formerly known as Candidate Ms Tiana Merriman, and her promising campaign which featured free cookies. Well, sadly, the PATH party no longer wishes to continue the leadership direction already in place by the current administration by actively running for office, instead choosing to support it from the sidelines, apparently more comfortable attending lectures and seminars of one Ms Robin Linden. The good news from all of this? Free cookies are still available. Although, our sources report all of the oatmeal raisin ones seem to have disappeared as quickly as Ms Merriman's campaign posters from the walls of countless auto repair shops across the land. This seemingly 180° turnaround can only be due to pressure from their revered leader and our current Governor.

Even more mysterious, perhaps, and certainly less subtle - the disappearance of Ms Zoe Connolly. This has political corruption spelled out all over it. So much in fact, The Inside Scoop® dares not send an inside reporter on scene to investigate at this time, due to widely spread rumours that the former campaign headquarters now left deserted by the Inworld Rezzolutionary Party are still highly booby-trapped and ready to explode at any moment. We'd like to think those explosives are meant for any further suspected Linden involvement, but with some of the unsolicited adult content IM's a few of our newbie temp reporters sent Ms Connolly directly, we're just not so sure.

True, two candidates down, but it's still early in the campaign season, there will be plenty more tragedies along the way, no question. However, each day brings new hope, to combat the despair. The Inside Scoop® is determined to keep up with all candidates and will attempt to add new profiles of candidates as they are reported to the official SLelections 2007 website.

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Here is an alphabetical list of currently known applicants, with updated information:

- Dolmere Talamasca :: Status - Active (Latest news)

- Erbo Evans :: Status - Active (Latest news)

- Iron Plato :: It was bound to happen. And yes, it has. The Punched Cards as Law Party (PCALP) and its campaign mastermind Ordinal Malaprop hereby and forthwith doth declare their nominee and political candidate, Iron Plato. Make no qualms about it, this party represents a very serious, one might even say 'heavy', platform: "..the activities of Humans in managing the Grid have been sorely lacking in Efficacy and Efficiency, and it is now time for Logic and Rationality - as expressed by Machine - to take their rightful place as the rules by which society must be governed." You won't get any free cookies here, folks, it's all about the politics. If ever you have so desired to be ruled by a heartless automaton, here's your chance. Vote wisely, vote often, and have your oil checked every 30,000 fps.

- Raul Crimson :: Okay, our undercover investigative reporter brought in this campaign flyer. Totally unverified, could've been photoshopped as a spoof, could be a totally legitimate party not ready to go public, but whatever - it's SLelection 2007 related so it gets mentioned. We haven't uncovered any dirt on this candidate yet, not for the lack of trying!, but we will stay posted should any further developments arise.

- RedDawn Bade :: Well, it appears what this gubernatorial race was lacking was - a blonde! And now we have one, in the form of Ms Bade. Another candidate complimentary of the current administration AND going so far as to increase those policies a hundred fold! Looking deeply into her warm eyes, and soft, subtle... err, let's just say she can almost convince even the most diehard skeptics with her platform of: "Lag allows us to slow down and enjoy our SL experience" and "Inventory issues can be turned into a great game of hide and seek" or "IM issues provide us coverage to ignore friends when they send IMs asking for help". We at The Inside Scoop® cannot help but agree - she does make a good point. But can she make an oatmeal raisin cookie? As if that matters.

- Rejeanne Cannoli :: Okay, again, our undercover investigative reporter brought in this campaign flyer. Totally unverified, could've been photoshopped as a spoof, could be a totally legitimate party not ready to go public, but whatever - it's SLelection 2007 related so it gets mentioned. Besides, The Inside Scoop® wishes to appear completely neutral and remain totally unbiased, and therefore we cannot discriminate by not posting a promo poster for a political candidate who is such a hottie. That would be wrong, and would likely offend 97.3% of our straight male viewers. And as for the 2.7% gay male viewers, we would be remiss if we didn't show off Ms Cannoli's FAB-O-LOUS black wool Hugo Boss-styled double-breasted, peak-lapelled business suit with brick tinted silk tie with matching pocket square and the ever present 1000-thread count Sea Island cotton long-sleeved, err, we mean, her nice suit and stuff.

- Romana Wei :: Status - Active (Latest news)

- Shoshana Epsilon :: Okay, once again, our undercover investigative reporter brought in this campaign flyer. Totally unverified, could've been photoshopped as a spoof, could be a totally legitimate party not ready to go public, but whatever - it's SLelection 2007 related so it gets mentioned. And besides, every political race needs a candidate from the darkside, right? Otherwise, how would they have ever been able to make like eighteen Star Wars® movies? We're not sure if this candidate is real or not, but trust that we will keep looking for her, until we abandon all hope and cease breathing, forsaking everything else around us, pledging our undying loya... ack! Viewers may be advised of potential subliminal messaging placed within that campaign poster.

- Tateru Nino :: Running on an apparent budget platform strategy, do not mistake the minimalist approach by this sharp candidate. Sometimes actions, or lack thereof, are more important than words. Or the lack thereof. One candidate sure to keep everyone guessing throughout the election season. Do not expect numerous press conferences from this candidate, in fact, we're not even sure one more press release will ever be issued! Campaign slogan at this point: "She doesn't care what you do in private. Or who you vote for. Suit yourself." (The irony - not lost on us - in the last part concerns the candidate is actually wearing a suit in the campaign poster.) Only one statement released from Ms Nino so far, and it is cryptic to say the least: "If elected, I promise not to govern. It would only waste your time and mine." Ka-ching! I can hear the votes pouring in to the election booths, now! (PS - If Ms Nino's PR writer is looking for additional work, please contact The Inside Scoop® immediately, as our advertising department is lacking that certain veritas so eloquently displayed with your current body of work and plus, we get charged per word for our adverts. Brilliant.)

- Tiana Merriman :: Status - Withdrawn (from the political race, as well)

- Tiessa Montgolfier :: Wait, did we just go from no blonde candidates yesterday, to two remarkable ones overnight?? Yes, prayers do get answered. The Inside Scoop® is very pleased to report on the declaration of candidacy by Ms Montgolfier, of whom half of our female staff wishes to be like her, 50% want to be with her and the other the other half simply wants to be her. She must be doing something right. We think Ms Montgolfier lays down the gauntlet rather nicely with her opening statements of "I come to skewer Phil, not to praise him." Of course, she had us at "The lag and bugs will disappear". We feel this candidate will be a real mover and shaker on the political scene. Especially if we tip her well. At this time, we are still trying to use our media influences to get her to switch back to one of her original campaign slogans: "I’ll Do Anything Anybody Wants Me To, *Anything*"

- Timothy Lilliehook :: It's official! The Cute Cats with Claws (CCC) party has made their gubernatorial candidate nominee known and it's the one and only Mr Lilliehook representin'! While the platform will be based on such proven foundations as "your right to wear ears and tails" and "public purrrring at all times" what we at The Inside Scoop® really want to know more about (and participate in) is the "free neko love" promises. hmmm We can think of at least one certain hot lil Neko kitty girl out there we wouldn't mind... Sorry, where were we again? Our interviews with several of the top online betting firms show they are placing good odds that the CCC party will be the sleeper (cat-napping?) party of this 2007 race.

- Vint Falken :: Status - Active (Latest news)

- Zoe Connolly :: Status - MIA (Latest news) (uh, can someone find her so we can get an exclusive interview, please? kkthnxbye)



DISCLAIMER: Why? Because disclaimers are fun, and probably not even warranted, but are usually the best part of these articles. So, with that in mind. This is still political satire, people. We don't believe anything we've just read, and neither should you. We politely ask Linden Labs®, the makers of Second Life®, to kindly not take offence to this imaginary election, and while they're at it, maybe fix the lag, tp and inventory issues, as well?